When I was pregnant I, as many first time mothers, had specific visions about how my life would play out as a mom. It's been somewhat hilarious--and a lot humbling--how very differently life has gone in the past fourteen months. It's been a lesson in letting go and putting aside perfect.
I don't consider myself a Type A personality (okay... maybe a relaxed Type A), but I am a perfectionist. I want things to happen just so, my house to look a specific way, naptimes to be easier than they are, to have the energy to prepare wholesome meals every day, to have more time to take Audrey to the park every single day.
It gets overwhelming. I have a huge respect for mamas who have multiple children, because I struggle a lot with the chaos just one child brings. It's not something I really resent; I love and adore my daughter and can't imagine my days without her silly antics or piercing giggles. But it's been hard sometimes to let go of the past order and embrace the present (happy) disorder.
For some reason, it finally clicked in my head one day that I could just tidy up in the evening after Miss A. goes to bed and save myself an awful lot of time and frustration. Yes, logically I knew this was the solution long before, but I wasn't ready to let go of trying to have a tidy house 100% of the time. I wanted things to look just so because I craved the sense of order it brought to my surroundings.
Ultimately, I was scared of seeming less than perfect. I wanted my house to look like a picture and not like we actually lived here. But in the process I was driving myself mad and making visitors uncomfortable in my home, and I'm sure eventually Miss A. would have caught on to the uptight view I took towards keeping things in order.
I want her to remember her childhood full of creative messes and imaginative freedom, not that Mama was constantly stressing over keeping a spit shined house. For my own sanity, I wanted to let go.
It's not easy; it's certainly a daily exercise in finding beauty in however things look. But I'm able to enjoy the now more because I put aside perfect.
You know what? It feels great.